


So Big, So Small

by Lxie



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Goodbyes, I cried while writing this, POV Krolia (Voltron)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:40:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25722967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lxie/pseuds/Lxie
Summary: “So, you’re leaving then.”Krolia tightened her grip on her husband’s hands, too terrified to look at him and see his face. “Ethan—“She gasped when gentle fingers guided her head up, two lone tears dropping from her eyes. More fell as Ethan gave her a heartbreakingly understanding smile, his beautiful dark eyes shimmering with his own tears.His thumb stroked her cheek as he kissed her forehead, so soft she barely felt it. “I’ll go tell Keith.”
Relationships: Keith & Krolia (Voltron), Keith's Father/Krolia (Voltron)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 33





	So Big, So Small

**Author's Note:**

> HI I HIGHLY RECOMMEND READING THIS TO [SO BIG SO SMALL](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9vD2JBq0ns8/) FROM DEAR EVAN HANSEN
> 
> (also you should comment and share bc i'm p proud of this and it was my birthday 2 days ago)

“Traitor,” the galra soldier spat, fingers digging into the loose dry dirt under them.

Krolia barely registered the spit on her cheek instead tightening her hold on his hair, wrenching his head back to leave his throat open and vulnerable. “I’ll ask again. _Are there more coming._ ”

“The blue lion will belong to the Empire soon enough, traitor.”

She didn’t deign him a response, her knife biting into the soft skin of his throat. Blood bubbled up, wetting the earth under them as he gasped out a semblance of the Empire’s battle cry. Loyal to a fault.

She stood, sheathing her knife to her belt, her borrowed clothes less effective as her Marmora suit but it served its purpose. The soldier was merely a scout, his partner already dispatched, both ships in perfect condition, both bodies still leaking blood that almost looked black in the starlight.

Krolia had a pang of regret. Both were young, one so green he still had his identification number written on his uniform. Both grew up with the ideology she rejected. They never had a choice but she didn’t either.

That’s a lie.

Once. She made one decision for herself and it was the best decision she ever made. Her heart ached thinking of the life she chose. Of the life waiting for her back home. The smiles and laughter, the warmth and everything she never realized she wanted.

She looked at the sky, the endless stars on velvet black, so many it made her dizzy. A terrible, looming decision ahead of her, so big it could swallow the stars.

The longer she stared, looking at some far away threat, the bigger the stars grew, the more that crowded her vision. Growing, growing, growing. So much so she felt consumed by them, helpless. Small.

She thought of her boys. Their smiles in the stars and their eyes reflecting galaxies. The stars shrunk. And for a moment it didn’t feel like an impossible task or a suicide mission, but a step closer to the life she wanted.

Hot tears spilled from her eyes as she choked on the remaining air in her lungs.

Regret and sorrow swirled into a heavy ball in her chest, taking up the rest of the space there until it felt like she couldn’t breathe. She blinked away her tears and turned to their ships, hatches opened, dashboard lit up with incoming transmissions.

Face dry, she leaned down to rip the scout’s identification number from his uniform—

—and made a choice.

“So, you’re leaving then.”

Krolia tightened her grip on her husband’s hands, too terrified to look at him and see his face. “Ethan—“

She gasped when gentle fingers guided her head up, two lone tears dropping from her eyes. More fell as Ethan gave her a heartbreakingly understanding smile, his beautiful dark eyes shimmering with his own tears.

His thumb stroked her cheek as he kissed her forehead, so soft she barely felt it. “I’ll go tell Keith.”

Her heart cried out when he got up and left. A part of her demanding that no, _no_ , _she_ had to be the one to tell him. She had to make sure he _understood_. That he knew she _loved_ him. That she loved him so much she would leave and—

She sobbed into her hands, covering her mouth to smother them because she’s a Blade. She’s a warrior and a spy and strategist and—and—

She’s a mother. She’s a mother who was _terrified_ of breaking her son’s heart. Terrified of seeing that little face be so confused and scared and _hurt_ and she doesn’t want to see it—she _can’t—_

Her teeth bit into the meat of her palm, the pain grounding. She took a moment to breathe, biting into her palm harder for a brief moment because she deserved it, and got up. Wiping her tears as she left to break her son’s heart.

Her body felt strangely lethargic as she approached Keith’s room. Feet dragging, heart thumping hard behind her breastbone, blood sluggishly moving through her veins leaving her cold.

She paused outside of his door, her throbbing palm resting against the wall. No sound came from his room. No murmurs, no crying, were they even in there?

Then she heard it. The faintest sounds of sheets rustling. Her baby sitting up in his bed. His little voice slipping and tumbling over the words he barely understands the concepts of.

“Are—are you going away too?”

Tears sprung to her eyes and she choked on the lump in her throat. Covering her mouth to muffle any noise she might make. She had to be strong. There were a million battles she never backed down from; she couldn’t back down from this one.

_”No_. No, Keith.” More rustling, the tiny twin bed they got online creaking. “Your pops is always gonna be here. You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried.”

She took a deep breath and braced herself. Knocking on the wood of the doorjamb she peeked around the corner.

Keith was in Ethan’s lap, his face hidden in his chest, just a black tuft of hair sticking out in a wild fluffy mess. So small and tiny. Her husband’s arms wrapped around him, shielding him from the world.

He turned to look at her and a fist squeezed around her heart seeing the tear tracks drying on his cheeks. It squeezed even harder when he turned away to wipe his face with his pajama sleeve. She couldn’t help but wonder if he got that from her. Ever the brave little soldier.

She swallowed past the lump in her throat. “Keith, would you like to come outside with me? I would like to talk to you.”

He looked up at her with red-rimmed eyes. The color like the night sky, a little memento from home. Silently, he got up and padded to her with his little bare feet and little toes. Holding his hand, just a fraction of hers, she led him outside.

Outside was cool, the leftover heat of the day leaving the longer the night stretched. The porch covered their backs, protecting them from the wind as she kept Keith close to her body, rocking on the chair looking at the billions of stars overhead.

He was so light. Barely any weight in her arms as he snuggled into her. His hair still baby-soft, the little tufts falling through her fingers. She could feel his lashes blinking against her neck, tickling the slightest bit. Butterfly kisses, Ethan told her once.

Nuzzling her nose in his hair she breathed in his scent. Cataloging everything she knows about him in that moment. How soft he was, how small and defenseless, his innocent scent. How warm and comforting and _brave_ her little baby was.

He was just three.

He had an entire _life_ ahead of him. How many moments like this was she going to miss? How long was it until he was no longer small enough to hold in her lap and wrap him in her arms? How many ways was she going to let him down by not being there, fighting an endless war, just to keep him safe?

Did it even matter when she wasn’t going to be able to watch him grow up? To know the great man he was going to be?

Tears fell from her eyes and she could taste blood in the back of her throat from how tight it was. A horrible, betraying thought ringing around in her mind.

He wasn’t even going to remember her.

“Mama?”

She kept him close, wiping her tears with her wrist. “Yes, Keith?”

He leaned back and she let him, both looking at where he had his hands fisted in her shirt.

“Do you _have_ to go?”

She gently gathered his hands in hers, squeezing them tightly. “I don’t want to.”

He buried his face in her chest, arms going around as far as they could go around her middle, tears dampening her T-shirt. “Then why are you?”

She gnawed on her lip, her mind swirling and swirling with so many possible answers it made her dizzy. What should she say? What _can_ she say? She closed her eyes and breathed deep, the cold Arizona night air filling her lungs and clearing her mind.

Guiding him back she looked him in the eye, one hand holding his and the other cupping his soft cheek. “I can’t really say but I love you, Keith. No matter where I go or how far away I am I’ll always love you. I want you to understand that.”

She moved the hand cupping his cheek to his heart, her entire palm covering his small chest, covering the tiny planet on his pajamas. “No matter what, I’ll be right here.” She placed her hand on her own chest. “And you’ll be right _here_.”

Slowly, he gave a hard nod, his mouth pressed into a firm line trying to hold back the tears. He lunged and hid his face in her shirt, holding on tight, determined not to let go.

His grip gradually loosened, falling from her waist as he fell asleep. She stayed outside, holding him close as the stars shrunk back with the morning light. She was going to have to let go eventually but until then she wasn’t going anywhere.

**Author's Note:**

> Here's my [tumblr](https://lxiewrites.tumblr.com/)! 
> 
> also sorry for being MIA for so long dkslfjdsa, I'll put a longer reason in the last fic I upload today, It'll be the Marry Me one.


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